I’m Done Performing for the Internet: Integrity Over Visibility

This past week, I was still incredibly upset. Every day, I was forced to manage my anger and resentment with how I’ve spent my time the last few years “trying” to go somewhere with Instagram and my online presence. As anger does what it does best in providing clarity, it brought to light a few truths that did not sit well with me. But in stillness, I realized I pretended I was okay with it just because it’s the norm in our society. Maybe in some ways you’ve been feeling this way, too.

The first truth I had to sit with and look at is the non-engagement of people on my page. It was pointing me to the unnatural feeling of exposing my heart almost daily for YEARS on my stories by sharing sweet sentimental glimpses of my day with my daughter, my clients, my close friends, myself..giving voice to messages through what I was genuinely feeling at the moment and then seeing the hundreds of faces of people I know and don’t know watching those same stories and not engaging or responding. 

Now I’m not saying I’m the victim here because I was also contributing to this non-engagement with people I know, too! But what the fuck? How did this become okay? I also think what gave this truth access was seeing a creator on TikTok saying that if you know people in real life, and you see them looking at your sweet, precious content that you put real effort into sharing, and they not at the very least liking it: it makes them a hater. Just lurking, judging, and watching how you do life. He said it as a matter of fact and ugh… I hated that. And I especially hated how I’ve been clearly doing that as well. 

Second truth with all of this, I realized showing up every day online was feeding into this over-giving, people-pleasing trap. As I mentioned before, it was the constant exposure to many, many instances where I felt like I needed to share in order to win the hearts of my audience. On one end, it really did showcase my authenticity and light, which is supposed to be “good” but what it brought me was a handful of relationships that were low-key abusive. I guess the gift was that I had to learn discernment the hard way?? That fucking sucked. It really sucked. I’m saying people who saw what I had to offer and wanted it all to themselves. I don’t think I have to say much about that because I KNOW some of y’all also have gone through the same. This is what happens to heart-centered leaders like us. An initiation to our alchemical powers and BIG lessons of self-abandonment and self-neglect. 

Last truth, and this one hurt just as bad as the first two. I was not operating as the passionate business owner as I thought I was. Yes, the operations of my business work just fine. I have amazing clients, and I take great care of them, but they did not find me through social media. They found me through word-of-mouth and Yelp. AND I had to come to terms with this harsh truth: I was spending ALL my extra time creating all this content on social media for vanity metrics when I could have spent it on becoming a better practitioner/coach. What the fuck was I doing?? Even worse, I could’ve spent all this time pouring into my daughter and higher-quality relationships in real life. No wonder I was always burnt out, I have been performing for the internet…

Now, I’m not going to go on a shame parade on myself, and neither do you if this resonates. We need to give ourselves grace BIG TIME because we all are living THIS kind of world for the first time ever…the age of way too much noise and overwhelming information. So what are we to do? I have no idea. But what I do know is that I will continue to go to what feels true for me and what resonates with the legacy and world I want to build for my kid and future generations. We are going to make some oopsies along the way. May I remind you that that’s the beauty of getting to live THIS life. A life FULL of uncertainty and ADVENTURE! And I’m SO GRATEFUL I get to live it alongside you! 

The reminder here is that sometimes it’s okay to follow what your body and soul are nudging you to do. Whether it’s to stop or start something, trust it, because even though most of the time it’ll take your mind a lot longer to process the action, you’ll soon be able to articulate your choice, and you’ll be incredibly grateful that you did. 

Also, it’s totally okay to be the one to go first. Even if no one wants to go with you, you having faith and trust in your heart’s choice is an action of integrity that doesn’t need to be proven (or performed) by you, because the intelligence of emotion will help lead you to your truth and as long as you’re leading your life with YOUR Truth, nothing else anyone says, approves or does will matter. You will have done your part.